Sanity
by ttfan111robstar1
Summary: Annie Cresta's thoughts and feelings as she returns to Finnick, and goes through her marriage, pregnancy, her husband's death, and birth. Set in Mockingjay. Oneshot.


Most people think that sanity is something given to you when you are born. That it is a gift to you from whomever you believe made you, and that you don't have to do anything to earn it. But they are wrong. Sanity is the small island we are on. The water lapping around that island is insanity. When we are born, we are immersed in that water. That's why babies cry, and toddlers scream and throw tantrums. They have not yet been taught sanity's ways. As they grow, they learn them, and pull themselves out of the water and onto the island. What people don't realize is that sanity is a choice. We choose it every day, every moment. Some people like to wade into those waters again, and some immerse themselves into it by choice. That's how killers are made. But me, I didn't have a choice. Seeing what happened to my fellow tribute in the arena forced me to have my feet in that water at all times. All that happened though, it gave me clarity. So I choose sanity every day. Even though my feet are in those waters, the rest of me is on that small island. I walk a fine line, and I do it well.

Sometimes I feel as though I am alone in that island, with my feet in those waters, but then I see Finnick and I know I am not. He understands from his place on that island. And he has dipped his feet in those waters, when I was gone and tormented by the Capitol. He holds my hand when the tide gets higher. And I know he will never let go. He answers my questions, and makes me feel more like I was before. With him, I am me again. As close to that as I will ever come now.

When I was taken by the Capitol as leverage and to hurt Finnick, I let myself intentionally fall into the water completely. I screamed, I cried, but mercifully, I do not remember most of it. Sometimes things will come in my dreams. The gleam of a blade, a whirring noise, the sound of screaming- though it is not my own. I was simply lost in the tide. And then, the rescuers came. I was still gone then, but the second they mentioned "get you out" and "Finnick's waiting" I tuned right back in.

"Finnick?" I ask the black masked man.

He nods. "He's waiting for you in District 13."

 _He's waiting for you._ Those words were a life preserver in that ocean of terror and insanity. I followed them out. I saw Johanna and Peeta, but I did not speak with them on the ride home. I covered my ears, closed my eyes, and let my mind sweep me away to somewhere else, until I could be with my Finnick again.

The jolt from landing shakes me away from my time in my head. I follow everyone to the hospital, and let them look me over. But I'm not paying attention to the doctors. I'm looking for Finnick. The doctor has a blood pressure cuff on me when I hear him calling for me.

"Annie? Annie!"

His voice is like the sweetest honey, and hearing him say my name is more intoxicating than any alcohol. I rip the cuff from my arm.

"Finnick!" I run to him, I leap into his arms, always a stronghold for me. He holds me tight, and I lean into him, my head on his chest as he hugs me.

"You're safe… You're safe…" He says, and then he kisses me. His lips are soft against mine, but the weight of his need is crushing. I want to stay in this moment forever. Never let him go again. I knew, at the very least, I wouldn't be doing that for a long time.

We share a room. He doesn't dare leave me alone after what I went through, and I'm grateful. His presence comforts me. I know if I have nothing else in this world, I have his love. It's all I need.

Days pass, and eventually, we're alone together late one night. I had just woken from a nightmare.

"Annie?"

"Hmmm?"

"You're so beautiful." It's a whisper.

I stroke his cheek with a smile. He leans in and kisses me.

"I love you." I say when our lips part.

"I love you too." He says. "I love you so much that I don't want to be apart from you another second. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Annie, will you marry me?"

A smile so big it almost feels like my face will break creeps onto my face and I nod. "Yes. Always, yes." I kiss him.

The days after that are spent planning our wedding. The quarrels from upstairs over budget and extravagance do nothing to blight my joy. Katniss Everdeen lets me borrow one of her dresses from her Victory Tour, and Peeta gives Finnick a suit.

My wedding day dawns, and I am swept up in a joy that is seemingly inhuman. I get my dress, my make up, my netted veil, and for once in my life, I feel beautiful. I keep picturing Finnick's face when he sees me. I wonder what it will look like. Then, finally, it's time.

I walk down the aisle, and my eyes lock on Finnick. He looks so amazed, happy. He looks like he's going to cry. Knowing I made him feel that way makes me ecstatic.

The ceremony begins, and the unique touches of our district are reflected in it. A net woven from long grass that covers us during the vows, the touching of one another's lips with salt water, and the ancient wedding song, which likens marriage to a sea voyage.

Finally, we are pronounced husband and wife. We kiss, and that kiss is sweeter than any one I have ever shared with him. Like Sugar, pastries, honey, and cream all together. When we part, he is beaming. The light in his eyes, it warms me like the sun on a summer day.

Then, we dance. The slow moving circle between us, the closeness, the feel of his arms around me, it will be forever burned into me. And I know that this memory will always be within arms reach of me. To remember during the worst times of my life. Everyone then joins the dance floor, and we all dance together.

The cake, frosted by Peeta in his recovery from his hijacking, is delicious. Finnick and I feed each other bites of cake, and I laugh when a bit of frosting smears on the corner of his mouth. He licks it away and looks at me. Suddenly, I know he's hungry- and it's not for cake.

It seemingly takes forever for the festivities to end, and we try and enjoy every moment, but we are waiting. Finally, the party breaks up, and he sweeps me away to our room. He's very gentle as he unzips my dress and removes my veil, and I unbutton his shirt and unzip his pants. My body presses against his, and we kiss each other with a hungry passion both familiar and new. I knew I would never get enough of him. Never. We fall into bed, and consummate our marriage.

The days following that consist of one emotion for me: Elation. Finnick is my husband now. There is nothing left I lack. But, fate decided to surprise me with something. Something unexpected.

I begin to get sick, throughout the day. Sometimes it onsets suddenly. Others, it takes a long time to come. Food begins to taste different to me. Some of the ones I enjoyed most when I arrived here now seem repulsive. I become sensitive to smells, and there is an odd metallic taste in my mouth a lot of the time. Finnick is worried about me, and I know he is. So he insists I go to the medical bay. During that time though, he is called away for a briefing with Coin, and though he wants to stay desperately, Coin is relentless. So he gives in, and insists I talk to him after. I promise him I will.

The walk to the medical bay is lonely. I wish he were here to hold my hand. I pass a few people, but they clearly have somewhere to be because the way they walk is fast, their heads are down, and their expressions hard. I sit down on a cot, and a doctor comes to me, asking why I am here. I explain about my symptoms, and the doctor nods sympathetically. He asks my permission to do a blood test. Though I loathe the idea of needles inside of me, and I have ever since my hunger games when they stuck that tracker in my arm, I agree to it. I promised Finnick I would try and get answers. If this is what it takes, so be it.

The doctor brings out a needle and vial. I close my eyes and turn my head away from the sight. It brings a wave of nausea to me but I fight it back. I feel the needle when it enters me, and squeak slightly. The doctor tells me I'm doing very well. And then, it's over. He has me press a cotton ball to the incision, and then tapes over it, telling me I can take it off in fifteen minutes, before he goes to take it to the lab.

Blood tests here are much faster than in district four. Maybe it's because of all the new technology, or maybe Beetee has been reworking the system. I don't know. But just as my fifteen minutes are up, and I take the tape off, the doctor returns holding a clipboard with what I assume is my chart.

He's smiling, though, so I'm pretty sure it's not some rare disease.

"Well Mrs. Odair, your bloodwork came back, and you are perfectly healthy. As a matter of fact, you're pregnant."

My mouth drops open. "I- What?"

"You're pregnant. About five weeks along I'd say. Congratulations."

"I- I'm… I mean we're… Finnick and I are pregnant?"

"Yes you are."

A smile suddenly shines on my face. I can picture Finnick with a little boy who is the spitting image of his father, running alongside him. I shake the doctor's hand to thank him after he tells me what I should and should not do now. Then, I go off to our room, my mind abuzz with fantasies and images of us. The perfect family. But my mind is quick to switch to something else.

How do I tell Finnick?

I have no worry in my mind about his reaction. I know he'll be thrilled. I want to break it to him in a special way though. Many options come through my mind. A dinner together? Just before bed? In the shower? After sex? My mind runs the gamut of ideas of what I could do, but nothing seems quite right. And then, like magic, I know what to do.

Finnick joins me an hour later. I hear his footsteps coming down the hall. I switch my expression from excited to contemplative in preparation.

He comes through the door. "Annie? Are you okay?"

"Finnick," I ask, "One of the tributes in my games… they died from a poison dart, right? That was real?"

"No, Annie, that was from another year." He says. He is being very patient. It just makes this more exciting for me.

"And… You never take off the necklace I made you, right?"

"Right. That's real." He says and sits next to me. I turn to face him and wrap my arms around his neck.

"And you love our baby with all your heart, like you love me. That's real, isn't it?"

"Annie, we don't have a-" He stops mid sentence and his eyes go wide. I start smiling. "Annie, Are you-?"

"Pregnant? Yes I am." I grin.

It takes a moment for the shock to fade, and then he's grinning a mile wide smile, he hugs me tightly, and then he kisses me.

"A baby! This is wonderful! I'm so happy for you- for us. I love you so much."

"I love you too." I grin. Then, he kneels down and puts a hand on my stomach.

"Hi there, baby. I'm your Daddy. I can't wait to meet you. _We_ can't wait to meet you, and we love you so much already."

There are tears in my eyes, and they stream down my face. This is joy. This is love. This is paradise.

The days go by. The morning sickness (though I don't know why they call it that when it happens anytime) is absolutely debilitating. My energy is sapped from me because of it. The food aversions happen more often. The metallic taste is constant. I also feel my emotions on the rise. The littlest things make me cry. I stare into space more often. But Finnick's hand never leaves mine. That constant pressure and warmth brings me back. I've gotten the habit of putting a hand to my stomach, trying to protect my baby from the outside. When something happens that is bad, my hand goes there. Finnick's presence, along with the knowledge of the baby in my womb, calms me. Reminds me of the good in the world.

Occasionally things get hard. The emotionality, the sickness, the lack of food that agrees with me. It pushes me to the edge. Some days I break down, I cry. I bury my face in my hands and let myself break. That choice of sanity is so much harder when I feel like I'm going insane under my circumstances. But Finnick is there. He wraps his arms around me. Sometimes he talks to me, says comforting words to me or tells me funny stories to calm me down. Other times he just sits in the quiet. Sometimes there are no words. He just lets me bask in his presence. And it's enough. I come back. I always come back. Because now there are two people who are depending on me.

When I am a little further along, Finnick and I both go to the medical bay, and I have my first ultrasound. Normally they wouldn't have this technology back home. But again, I suspect Beetee is responsible. The machine looks old and decrepit, but it works flawlessly, and it confirms my suspicions. Finnick and I are giddy with excitement. The doctor squirts goo of some kind on my pelvis, and moves around an oddly shaped thing. The screen is facing us. At first there is nothing but black and white lines. The colors move on occasion. But then… I gasp.

There is a little bean shape on the screen. The doctor shows us the head, and the feet. We can only see a side profile because this isn't one of those advanced machines like they have in district one and the capital that can show the faces in color. Finnick squeezes my hand, and I look at him. His eyes are riveted to the screen, and tears are flowing from his eyes, with the biggest grin on his face.

"It's a baby…" He whispers in awe.

"It's _our_ baby." I correct him.

Finally, he looks down at me. I'm grinning happily, and he leans down and kisses me, and it's so different. From the one we shared on our wedding day. From the one we had when I was rescued. This one is the most emotional kiss we have shared, and I know it's because it's not just a kiss for me. It's a kiss for the baby too. And we leave, grinning like mad, and talking about names. We settle on a few.

Then, all too soon after, the day comes for Squad 451's infiltration of the Capitol. That morning, before they leave, Finnick comes to me. We stand there in the room. His arms are around my waist, and mine are around his neck. He looks at me with his shimmering green eyes.

"I love you both so much." He says.

"We know you do. But please… Do you have to go?"

"I have to do something. I want to help. I spent so long being a pawn for the Capitol. And now that I'm here… I can't not do something. I want to give you and our baby a better life. I'm fighting for the both of you. Whatever happens, I love you both so much. I'm so happy that you're my wife, and that we have such an incredible life together. I love our child. I will do whatever it takes to keep that baby safe. That's what fathers do."

I take in a shaky breath. "I know. I just… I don't want to-"

He puts a finger to my lips and hushes me. "I know. And I know you love me. That you both do. But I will do anything to keep you safe. I can't lose you again." He strokes my cheek.

"You can't lose me. I'm always with you."

He smiles. "And I'm with you."

He kisses me a long time. Then, finally, he pulls away. There's a longing in his eyes. He doesn't want to let me go. I don't want him to either, but I know he has to do this. For himself. For me. For the baby. So I let him go.

I try and go on with my day. But it's so hard. Without Finnick there to buoy me, I am adrift. I eat, but it's for the baby, not because I'm hungry. I get sick so often, and I cannot tell if it's from the morning sickness or the sheer power of my anxiety. With Finnick away, I don't have someone to talk to voluntarily. I try, though, to give myself busywork. I go to the medical bay and ask the doctor questions about my pregnancy, what I should expect, what problems to look for, when my next appointment should be. At my complete insistence, the doctor does another ultrasound. The baby is pretty much unchanged from the last look I got. But hearing that heartbeat calms me. Seeing that profile reminds me that I must keep my head on straight. I cannot worry now. I have to keep my stress at a minimum for the baby's health. The doctor said so, and I must follow his orders. Finnick made me promise him I would, and I cannot disappoint him. The doctor prints me out a small photo to keep. I smile, I thank him. And then, I move on.

Seeing the baby again made me think of Beetee. I decide to go and visit him. Thank him for the technological improvements that made seeing the baby possible. I find him- where else?- In the control room.

"Beetee." I say. He turns in his wheelchair with a smile.

"Annie. How are you?"

I try and smile for him, but I don't think he believed it for a second. "I'm okay."

He nods. "I understand it must be a hard day for you."

I swallow the lump that has formed in my throat. "It is."

"I think it will be okay in the end." He says. I can tell he's working very hard to try and overcome his analytical and somewhat stoic personality to try and reassure me. That makes me genuinely smile.

"I wanted to thank you." I tell him.

"For?"

"For the improvements you've made around here. I suspect if it weren't for you I would not have seen my baby."

A grin lights up his face. "I'm glad to help. How is the baby doing?"

"Great." I say. I hand him the sonogram. He peers at it for a moment, and then he smiles.

"The baby looks great for it's age." He says. "Very healthy."

"You know about that?" I ask, a bit surprised.

"Not everything. But I do know statistics. From the looks of things your baby is very healthy, judging from the size of the head and growth rate."

I smile. "Thank you."

He hands me back the photo. "If you need anything, I'm around." He says.

I nod. I sense that it's time for me to leave. "I will keep that in mind." I say. I smile at him one more time, and then, I leave.

The rest of the day I walk around in a sort of daze. I go through the motions, but my heart isn't in any of it. The only two things I did with intention were seeing the doctor and talking to Beetee. The rest… The rest is just for show. I eat, I throw up. I sleep a bit, I wake up. I cannot sleep for long. I hear screaming in my dreams. It's hard, not having Finnick there. He is my sanity when I fall too deep in the water.

When night falls, I am unnerved. It will be my first night without Finnick. That thought scares me. He's the one who calms me when the nightmares come out to play. But I think about the baby, and my hand goes to my stomach. Maybe it will be okay. So that night, I dream. It's bloody, and I see my old partner beheaded. I scream, in there, and out here when I wake up. I gasp for air. The fear was paralyzing. I look around though. I am alone here, in my room. I am not in the games. I am in District thirteen. I reach out, trying to feel something, but the pillow next to mine is empty, and I remember Finnick is on a mission. I try and slow my breathing. I put my hand to my stomach and remember the baby. I go over the details of the sonogram today, hearing the heartbeat, seeing the baby. And I wonder what gender it will be.

The baby comforts me. The thought that I have a piece of Finnick inside of me. It calms me down. And after a while, I fall asleep again.

The morning comes, and I wake early, getting sick in the toilet. I try and go to sleep again, but it's useless. So I'm up. I shower, I dress. It's tedious, time consuming, but I do it anyways. I go to the dining room and eat there. Just soup, and mercifully it smells appetizing. I eat as much as I dare. And then, I go on with my day.

I'm in this state of limbo, and nothing can drag me out. Only he can, only Finnick. I spend most of my time in my room. I only come out to eat, really. I do not know how much time I spend in this state, but eventually, I hear news that they're back. And I run to where they are said to be. I expect to see him, arms open wide, waiting to greet me. Instead, I am met with Katniss, Peeta, and others. It is Katniss who comes over to me. My heart sinks at her expression.

"He didn't make it." She says solemnly, and my head is spinning at her words. "There were mutts in the sewers. He tried to fight them off but…" She stops, takes a breath. "I ended it. His suffering, I mean. I dropped a bomb. It would be less painful than what would have happened if I hadn't. And I'm so-"

I don't let her finish. I hug her. I am in shock at what she has said, and I don't think it's really hit me yet. But I know she tried to ease his pain, and for that I am so grateful. She doesn't say anything more. She just hugs me back. I pull away, and retreat to my room. And there is where it sinks in. I scream, I cry. I feel my anxiety burst through me like an explosion.

Finnick, my mentor who got me through the games. Finnick, the one who held me when I cried. Finnick, the one who saw through my perceived insanity. Finnick, the man who risked everything for me. Finnick, my husband who married me and told me we were forever united. Finnick, the father of our baby.

I cried for so long. I don't know how long. But after a while, the sadness died down, and left me with emptiness and numbness. I move around the room. Finnick asked me to do something if this ever happened. He said there would be something for me in the drawer. There is a small drawer there. I have never looked inside before. I open it, and I see two folded pieces of paper. One says my name, and the other says baby. I open the one with my name on it, and I read.

 _My Dearest Love,_

 _I have been, always was, and always will be, in love with you. Remember that. You outshine the moon, the sun, and the stars. When it is my time to go, I will be your guardian angel. I love you more than life itself. You are my life. You and our child. I never wanted to leave you. That's what I regret most to have ever done. But I am here with you every moment of every day. You are the light in my life. There is no one in this world who means more to me than you do. You are so brave and strong, my love. You have been through the impossible twice, and you have survived. I never wanted to have to ask you to do it again, but now I must. You are everything to me. Do not give up hope because my time has come. Don't let the sadness overcome you. You think you have lost me but you have not. I am always here. I am the wind on your face. I am the light in your eyes. I am the tide coming in to the shore. I am the colors in the sunset that you loved to watch. Don't let the light inside of you go out because of me. Instead, use me and make it shine brighter. Think of me and smile, because I never want to be the reason for your tears. When you hold our child someday, you are holding me too. I love you beyond anything and everything. You are my angel, and now I am yours. And when you miss me, hold this letter close. Read it over and over again. And hold our child. Tell them stories about us, about me. Tell them how we used to sit by the dock together. Tell them how we loved to swim. Tell them about our wedding, and how we danced. Tell them how we fought to give them a better life. It's not just you now. It's you and them. You have to be strong for them, at least strong enough to take care of yourself while they are still inside of you. When they are born, love them. Love them like you love me. And know that I will be there, watching you both. I promise. I love you so much._

 _Forever Yours,_

 _Your loving husband_

I am tearing up at his words. I open the next letter for our baby.

 _Dear Baby,_

 _I wish I knew what gender you were so I could call you by name. I'm your Daddy. My name is Finnick Odair, and I loved you and your Mommy very much. I wrote you this letter in case I couldn't be there to see you grow up. I know you must have questions, and I'm sure your Mommy tried to answer a lot of them. But I thought if you wanted to know more about me, I should tell you myself._

 _My favorite color was green. Sea green, like Mommy's eyes. I loved to fish, to sail, to be in the water. I never really had a favorite song. My favorite sound was your Mommy's laugh. I loved sea animals, especially dolphins. I think they were my favorite. I liked painting, but I wasn't very good at it. I liked to read on occasion, mostly books about sailing. I liked learning to tie knots. I loved eating lobster from home, and my favorite meal was lobster bisque. I also really enjoyed crab cakes._

 _I grew up in District four. Mags, who I wish you could meet, practically raised me. I remember how she laughed. She was so kind and generous. I really loved her. Then, one day, I was in The Hunger Games. Someday your Mommy will tell you that story, the story of how that happened. The details of that don't matter now. But I won. And I kept living my life. But I wasn't happy. But then, a few years later, I met your Mommy. The second I saw her, I loved her eyes. They reminded me so much of the ocean with their color. I didn't fall for her right away. But those eyes stayed with me. I helped your mommy win her Hunger Games. And over time, I got to know her. Her smile, her laugh, her personality. To me she was the brightest star in the sky. But I couldn't show that to anyone because I was afraid. Someday Mommy will tell you why, and you will understand. I didn't get to see her until after another Hunger Games. I was in District Thirteen, and she had been rescued from the Capitol. And she saw me and ran to me. I held her, and I kissed her, and I never wanted to let her go again. I proposed to her one night, and she said yes. And we got married. I will never forget the moment I saw her in her wedding dress. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life, and I felt like I was the luckiest man alive because I was marrying my true love._

 _And then, when we thought it couldn't get any better for us, we found out you were coming. I was so excited. I couldn't wait to hold you, to tell you stories, to take you fishing, and to hear you laugh. I only got to see you once. It was an ultrasound, and I saw your profile on the screen of a monitor. And I was amazed. So completely amazed. Because I had helped create something so wonderful. I cried that day, because I was so happy to know that you were there, that you were coming. And I still am._

 _I didn't get to hold you. I didn't get to see you be born, or see you smile. I didn't get to see your first steps, Or hear your first word. I didn't get to see you grow up. But I always wanted to. I saw your face and I saw my future. What it could be. And I never wanted to miss that. I am sorry I did. But I am always watching. I am always with you. Mommy will tell you someday about what was happening here. She will tell you why I couldn't be there. But just because you cannot touch me does not mean that I am not there. I am always here. I always listen. If you're sad, I know it. If you're happy, tell me why. I want to know everything. You can talk to me about anything. Even if I cannot answer you, I am always listening, and always watching over you._

 _I love you and your Mommy more than anything else. You two are always in my heart. And if you have questions about me, ask Mommy. She knew me better than anyone else. Someday I will see you again. But until then, I hope you know that you are loved, that I wanted you, that I am always there with you, and that I want nothing but the best for you. I can't wait to see you grow up._

 _I love you._

 _Love Always,_

 _Daddy_

By the end of that letter I am shaking. My sobs are silent this time. But I made Finnick a promise. I swore that I would take care of this baby, and that's what I will do. It was what he wanted, and I would never go against what he wanted. When I pull myself together, I go and eat something.

Those first days without Finnick were hard. I was numb or sad most of the time. I never kept his letter far from my reach. And when the sadness got to be too much, I would read his words over and over again until it stopped. Even though Finnick was gone, he was still with me because our baby was with me. And that baby needed me. That was what kept me going.

Days went by so slowly after that, with such big changes in the interim. Coin asked for another hunger games with the Capitol's children and was granted it. Coin was shot soon after, Snow was killed, and Commander Paylor was inducted president. So much change in such a short time.

When the rebellion ended, I returned home to District Four. I wanted to have and raise this baby where Finnick would have wanted. He would have wanted me to be at home for this. I had some visitors during that time. Beetee came a few times to see how I was. I imagine the journey was difficult for him, despite him only being a district over. He brought me something one day. An electronic photo album. Photos of Finnick, of Mags, of Finnick and I, and the sonogram of the baby. I smiled so much that day, and put it in the room I was creating for the baby so that he or she knew who their family was. Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark even visited once. Peeta was easygoing, and Katniss rather stiff, but even with her demeanor I could tell that she very much wanted to be here.

When the day came to find out the baby's gender, Beetee helped put together a surprise for me. He had taken the ultrasound machine from thirteen and brought it here to four some time ago. I recognized it from when Finnick and I first saw the baby. There was a streak of metal visible through the paint on the outside that was unmistakable. I smiled, and made a note to send him a thank you letter when I got home. The doctor came in with a smile and asked if I wanted to know the sex. I said yes, and he moved the wand around.

"It's a boy." He said.

My face lit up and I started crying at the same time. A perfect little boy. A miniature Finnick. I was elated.

After that, I started preparing the nursery. A crib, clothes, a mobile of boats and sea creatures. Peeta Mellark and a few of his friends even came by and painted the place to look like an ocean. I was speechless at their generosity, and I realized that maybe I wouldn't be raising that baby alone. I had friends. I had help.

The last part of my pregnancy was mostly spent resting. Paylor was sympathetic to the fact that I had no family left, so when it got to the point where I needed to be on bedrest, she sent a few people to help me. She respected my husband, and by extension, me and our child. I didn't have to cook after that. Someone else took care of it. And I rested.

Finally, the day came. My water broke. The pain was excruciating. Mercifully though, those she sent to help me also helped me to the hospital. The hours were long, long enough to feel like days. The pain was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. I screamed, I cried, and more than once I forgot that my husband had passed on and called out for him. After sixteen hours of pain more intense than I could describe, the doctor said it was time to push. And in a little less than fifteen minutes after that, I held my son for the first time.

His skin was pale like the moon. His hair, though there wasn't much of it, looked like mine. But his eyes… Oh they were Finnick's. I would know those eyes anywhere. And his nose was Finnick's too. His cheeks were cherubic and his little mouth was so tiny and small. He was wrapped in a blue blanket, and I got to hold him for a long time. He was healthy, so said the doctor, and I was so grateful. I thought I had known love before, but this gave a whole new meaning to that word. I smiled at him, and gave him a gentle kiss on the forehead.

"What's his name?" A nurse asked me.

I smiled. "Finn. After his Daddy."

She smiled. "That's a beautiful name."

Finn Morgan Odair was born at 4:23 PM. It was the moment my life changed, and I realized that Finnick was right. I was holding a piece of him. And I would never let that go. I wished Finnick was here to see him in person, but I knew he was watching. And that he was smiling and beaming with pride.

I nursed him for a while, and then they took him so I could sleep. I did. For seventeen hours straight. When I woke up, I went to the bathroom, and then I went and laid back down. That first day after Finn was born was my day of rest. But on the second day, I received a most surprising visitor- Johanna Mason of District Seven. She had been with us in thirteen. She came in and looked at me, sort of half smiling.

"Hey." She said.

"Hi." I said back. I was holding Finn at that time. She smiled when she saw him.

"What'd you name him?"

"Finn." I said. She nodded.

"I think Finnick would have liked that."

"He did." I replied. "We talked about names a few times. That was one he enjoyed. I wanted a Finnick Jr, but he wanted his son to have his own identity. We thought Finn was a nice compromise."

"I get it."

A beat of silence passes between us.

"Do you want to hold him?" I ask.

She looks unsure, but says okay. She picks him up carefully, and he looks at her. Her eyes widen. "He has Finnick's eyes."

I nod. "He does."

She studies him a moment. "He's beautiful." I'm not sure if she meant that, or if she said it because it was obligatory, but I smile anyways.

"Thank you."

She nods and sits nearby. "So, Snow is dead, Coin is dead, and Paylor is President. It's practically a new nation. Since you don't have to worry about him going through the Hunger Games and the travel between Districts is allowed now, what are you going to do?"

I think on that for a moment. "I think I'll stay here. Finnick loved it so much here and I cannot imagine living anywhere else. I'll raise Finn here, but I'll take him to other districts someday. I'll teach him about what each one does, and hope that he appreciates what they work together to give."

Johanna is quiet for a second. Then: "Will you tell him about the games?"

"I have to. I want him to understand Finnick and the circumstances around how he died, and how we met and fell in love. It's a part of his history, and I can't just leave it in the past. I'll tell him what I can. I just hope he'll understand."

She nodded. "You're doing the right thing."

I was surprised at that but I nodded. We talked a few more minutes before she decided to leave. But before she could exit I called after her.

"Johanna?"

She turned back to me. "Yeah?"

"Would you come and visit again sometime?"

Her lips curled into a small smile. "Sure." She said, before walking away.

After two more days in the hospital, Finn and I were declared healthy enough to go home. I made my way home and entered the house. I looked down at the bundle in my arms and smiled.

"Welcome home." I told him.

The day took on meaning again now that I had Finn to look after. Taking care of him was just what I needed. And when night fell and he was asleep, I thought upon the words Finnick said to me, and some of my own words.

Sanity is a choice, and I choose it every day. Finnick would stand there with me on that small island while I had my feet in the water, and he still does. I cannot touch him anymore, but I feel him there. I chose sanity every day for Finnick. He's gone now, but he left a part of himself here for me. And now I choose it every day for my son.

Someday I will tell him the story. I will tell him who his father was, and why he was not here to see him grow up. I will answer his questions when he asks them. I will show him that fighting for those you love and believing in something is incredibly powerful. And every day I will show him my love for him and for his father.

When I lay Finn down for the night, my eyes catch on the digital photo album. The photo is of Finnick, and he's smiling, a genuine Finnick smile instead of a staged one for the Capitol. And I just knew that that was how he looked right now. He was smiling at me, at our son. He was proud of us. And I smiled back at him. Wherever he was, I knew he was watching. I kiss Finn, and I walk over and kiss the picture of Finnick.

 _Goodnight my boys. I love you._


End file.
